The grade 5 diary of Osama Bin Laden was among the items discovered in a rusty locked receptacle in ward 596 at the Gem Hospital in Johannesburg. “We have no idea who or what put it here”, says Sylvester Sneezeplease a paleoanthropologist and janitor who discovered the ‘safe’ after the annual Sweep a Floor for Mandela Day which took place earlier in this month. The diary details Bin Laden’s morbid fear of postal workers, his childhood crush on Faye Dunaway and the infamous ‘failed bake sale’ which ultimately drove him to commit heinous acts of terror. Other objects found in the chest include a Schabir Shaik hair-doll (complete with Malibu convertible); a tin of I Can’t Believe it’s not Chicken and several oversized two tone ‘I heart Eugene’ shirts. “The find sheds new light on life outside the hospital”, says Sneezeplease who lives in a crawlspace between stairwells. “We now know that Mr Bin Laden has been to the Gem, that he preferred quilting to badminton and that he occasionally dressed up in his mother’s burqa.” The legitimacy of the find is being investigated by the CIA, FBI and Athletics South Africa.
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